Let’s hear it for some of the constellations that we used to have but are now ex-constellations.
Read moreTranquillusionist: Person In Scene transcript
This is the Tranquillusionist, in which I, Helen Zaltzman, soothe your brain by saying a load of words that don’t really mean very much, to give you an emotional break by temporarily supplanting your interior monologue with something you can benignly ignore. This isn’t like the usual episodes of the Allusionist, there’ll be no learning, no journey, you don’t have to feel or think anything. And you’ll find previous editions of the Tranquillusionist at theallusionist.org/tranquillusionist, featuring champion dogs, gay animals, punchlines with no setups and more.
Today’s theme was requested by Lachlan, so long ago that Lachlan will have perhaps forgotten, but at some point in the past they wanted a Tranquillusionist featuring the characters from films that don't have names - so in the credits they’re listed as "man in shop", "lady with pram", "angry customer 2".
Read moreTranquillusionist: Gay Animals transcript
This is the Tranquillusionist, in which I, Helen Zaltzman, say a load of words which aren’t really about anything so that your brain gets a little gentle diversion from thinking and/or feeling. This is not a regular episode of the Allusionist where you’re supposed to think and/or feel things. The Tranquillusionist is meant to be a bit dull, and maybe it’ll help you get to sleep or at least turn your existential screaming down to 11.
Today I shall be reading a list of gay animals.
Read moreTranquillusionist: Australia's Big Things transcript
Some of them are sculptures. Some of them are essentially a three-dimensional billboard. Some are buildings. Some are playground features. Some are just…there to be a big thing.
Read moreTranquillusionist: 282 Salads transcript
Today, I will be reading from the book 282 Ways of Making a Salad.
Read moreTranquillusionist: Home and Garden transcript
This is the Tranquillusionist: Home and Garden Edition, in which I, Helen Zaltzman, read the names of original programmes on HGTV, and the copy from lawnmower ads from before I was born.
Tranquillusionist: Punchlines transcript
This is the Tranquillusionist, in which I, Helen Zaltzman, in the interests of temporarily trying to stop that feeling where you think your brain is trying to claw its way out of your skull, read the punchlines to classic jokes. No setups; just the punchlines.
Read moreTranquillusionist: Best In Show transcript
This is the Tranquillusionist, in which I, Helen Zaltzman, for the purposes of calming a frazzled brain, read the winners of the Best in Show at the Westminster Dog Show.
Read moreTranquillusionist: Nmgiiea transcript
This is the Tranquillusionist, in which I, Helen Zaltzman, for the purposes of quelling anxiety and stress and sleeplessness, read the lyrics to ‘Imagine’ by John Lennon, with the words arranged in reverse alphabetical order.
Read moreTranquillusionist: Your Soothing Words transcript
This is the Allusionist, in which I, Helen Zaltzman, read out the words that you've told me you find the most soothing.
Read moreAllusionist 81. Shark Week - transcript
HZ: There used to be a term ‘goatmilker’, it was a bird that was believed to suck milk from goats at night, but it was also slang for sex workers, and therefore slang for vulvas.
HRISHIKESH HIRWAY: Wow.
HZ: Licentious men were known as ‘goatmilkers’, because they were frequenting these sex workers in the 17th century when this word was around.
HRISHIKESH HIRWAY: Again, not enough poetry in that for me.
HZ: Too vulgar for you?
HRISHIKESH HIRWAY: Yes, for my delicate sensibilities.
