Hear this episode at theallusionist.org/punchlines and click here for the other Tranquillusionists.
Note: I’ve emboldened alternate punchlines, so you can tell them apart. But I’ve gone with the pun-related spellings of the words that are homophones, and been fairly loose with the punctuation.
See if you can remember the setups for all the punchlines!
This is the Tranquillusionist, in which I, Helen Zaltzman, in the interests of temporarily trying to stop that feeling where you think your brain is trying to claw its way out of your skull, read the punchlines to classic jokes. No setups; just the punchlines.
A nervous wreck.
“Take this and we'll see if there's any change in the morning,” the doctor said, “Pull yourself together. Try taking the spoon out first.”
A walk.
Cliff.
Frostbite.
Not only is it awful, it’s awful. Too many cheetahs!
I scream.
The horse says, “You read my mind, buddy.”
Justin time for dinner at the Hickory Dickory Dock.
“Nacho cheese, Croak-a-cola, Mice Krispies, water, shark-infested custard.”
Bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”
To the moooovies. A walkie talkie - Sherlock Bones: Mince Spy.
“Sir!”
“You look flushed -”
“The banana split! There are footprints in the butter.”
“No eye deer.”
“Because it saw the salad dressing -”
“Just let it fall.”
“I know, but I was walking past and I saw your light was on. Orange you even going to open the door?”
“I think not”, Descartes replied… then he disappeared - because he couldn't concentrate, because he didn’t have the guts, she gave him the cold shoulder.
“But you have to go to school, you’re the principal!”
Because he felt crummy, he sends them to an elf farm. It ran out of juice. It had too many problems.
”No, but April May.”
Interrupting pir— “Yarrrrrr! I've got you under a vest!”
He let out a little wine.
Santa gives them the sack.
One is heir to the throne and the other is thrown in the air.
A towel.
Oinkment.
A stick.
It held up a pair of pants.
“Nice belt!”
”I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.”
In their trunks!
“Don't look, I'm changing!”
A woolly jumper
Up his sleevies.
A cloud.
How does he smell? Awful!
Because the players dribble a lot. Because the sea weed. You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo, because it’s pointless, Stinker Bell!
Because 7 8 9:
A time traveller walks into a bar.
“I’m a fungi!”
It waves, finding half a worm. They have no organs, because you can see right through them. It was stuck to the chicken’s foot. They have two left feet: one to hold the lightbulb, the other to turn the room.
“Doug. Douglas. Do you smell carrots?”
The rope said “No, I’m a frayed knot.”
The first atom replies, "Yeah, I'm positive!"
He wanted to make a clean getaway because each player raises a racquet because it had the drumsticks. “Climb up a tree and act like a nut!”
“No thank you, I’m stuffed.”
Deep pan, crisp and even.
An animal that knits its own sweaters because he got a hole in one, because they always drop their needles, because the chicken wasn’t born yet because he was poultry in motion.
A Christmas quacker.
Because he’s my newt.
The baker, because he has lots of dough - lawsuits - because he was a little shellfish.
He had no body to dance with.
Because they don’t know the words?
Because his mother was a wafer so long.
“Because it’s too far to walk - a traffic jam - a lawnmooer - a bulldozer!”
Because she ran away from the ball!
Because she wanted to get a good scoop.
Because she wanted to hit the high C’s.
Eats shoots and leaves.
A baa humbug.
“You're too young to smoke!”
Because he was a little horse.
An embarrassed zebra
It saw the ginger snap.
Because he wanted to draw the curtains
when it’s ajar.
It was in tents.
