Hear this episode at theallusionist.org/homeandgarden
This is the Allusionist, in which I, Helen Zaltzman, say some words over some soothing music, to help quell anxiety and calm brain frenzies, by replacing your interior monologue for a bit with words detached from significance. Yes, it’s another Tranquillusionist, well a Tranquillusionist double bill.
On with the calming nonsense.
HOME
This is the Tranquillusionist: Home Edition, in which I, Helen Zaltzman, read the names of original programmes on HGTV.
Beat the House or the house beats you
Buy Me - humans are not property
Christina on the Coast
Colin and Justin's Home Heist - all the fun of theft without leaving your couch
Creative Juice - tastes brackish in my experience
Debbie Travis' Facelift - it’s her face, what business is it of yours
The Decorating Adventures of Ambrose Price
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition
Flip or Flop
Flip or Flop Atlanta
Flip or Flop Chicago
Flip or Flop Follow-Up
Flip or Flop Fort Worth
Flip or Flop Nashville
Flip or Flop Vegas
Good Bones - make good soup
Holmes on Homes - These are all made. For you to see not to hear. lost on you.
Income Property - How To Become The Enemy
Island of Bryan - no Bryan’s an island
Junk Brothers - humblebrag
Over Your Head - the ceilings only show
People, Places, and Plants and plosives
Property Brothers
Property Brothers: Buying and Selling
Recreating Eden - no fruit trees this time round, not making that mistake again
Selling New York - try to get a better price than in 1624
She's Crafty - burn the witch!
Spice Up My Kitchen Every boy and every girl, spice up my kitchen!
Unusually Thicke - humblebrag 2
Who's Lived In My House? Just tell me if they’re dead so I can stop forwarding their post
Worst to First - hierarchies for beginners
Your Big Family Renovation - bye Uncle Ed, you had your chance! Off you go.
Coming up next: the Tranquillusionist: Garden Edition.
GARDEN
This is the Tranquillusionist: Garden Edition, in which I, Helen Zaltzman, read the copy from lawnmower ads from before I was born.
Coldwell's Motor Lawnmowers will do the work of three horse lawnmowers and do it better. They will mow up to 20 per cent grades. They leave no hoof prints as horses do [probably less manure as well]. They will roll the lawn smoothly. They do away with the expenses of two men and three horses. They are of no expense when not in use. They are simple to operate and economical. They are a necessity on every large lawn. Coldwell Lawnmowers: Hand Horse and Motor.
Walk or ride to the smoothest lawn in town. Boy, what a relief the way Lawn-Boy lightens your lawn chores. No more heavy strain, no more fatigue, but you wind up with an outdoor carpet that's parklike smooth. Makes a man lawn-proud and makes his neighbours lawn green with envy.
Honey of a mower! Worcester Rotor Master, with leaf mulcher attachment at no extra cost. Easy to operate as a vacuum cleaner. You'll enjoy the new convenience of mowing the toughest highest grass smoothly and without effort. Worcester features "Self-Lube" wheel bearings; durable "Sta-Temp" blade; "Toe-Tip" safety catch on handle to prevent rollback on slopes; deep front blade guard, rugged, lightweight all -steel chassis. At your dealer's, also see the famous reel-type Worcester power mowers. Their simple cutting height adjustments, Timken reel bearings, efficient grass guards and closed chain drive, adjustable floating handle with hill-climber hook, positive fingertip controls, minimum of upkeep and servicing because of sound design, and sturdy construction. Leaf mulcher supplied with models 80 and 830 at no extra cost. Easily attached. Pulverises leaves to small particles. No leaf raking, carrying or burning.
Large lawns easily cared for. Ideal power lawnmowers simplify the problem of taking care of large lawns. One man with an Ideal can cut as much cross per day as five hardworking men with hand mowers. Moreover, as the Ideal is also a power roller, the sod is kept firm and smooth at all times. Used successfully on private estates, public parks, golf courses, cemeteries, belt parks, country clubs, etc.
A child can work it. Yes, it's so easy to work that even a child can use it. Morrison Motor Mower has one horsepower engine with automatic clutch and silenced exhaust. Easy starting and instant stopping are features, while the unit can be controlled by one hand. Large front rollers, rear rollers and dividend reel cutting cylinder give 16 inch-wide cut. Cutting operation is continuous, and grass is thrown forward into centre of large capacity catcher, which loads evenly.
Modern America's power mower Lawn-Boy! Be modern. Go Lawn-Boy! Easiest to start, easiest to run. Forget about the drudgery of the old-fashioned kind of mower; cut grass the Lawn-Boy way. You'll find the Lawn-Boy at home in the city or country, and you can count on instantaneous starting and all-day stamina. Mulches leaves; trims close as a whisker, yet it's quiet as a mouse. Makes any kind of lawn look better. Be the envy of your neighbourhood. See your nearby Lawn-Boy dealer today. Try it and you'll buy it.
Hills Archimedian lawnmower. In placing this lawnmower before the public for the season of 1872, it needs no recommendation, as it has acquired a worldwide celebrity. With the improvements recently added to this favourite mower, we are fully warranted in saying it has no equal in the world, and its immense sale for the last thirty days throughout the United States is sufficient proof of the above assertion and of its great superiority. This lawnmower is constructed upon truly scientific principles, and is the only perfectly balanced lawnmower ever made, operated by ball and adjustable handle, points that are indispensible, secure securing case of operating in a perfect, beautiful level cut. The Hills archimedean was the first - and original - balanced lawnmower invented in this country or any other. It was patented in the United States and Great Britain, and its invention brought into general use a machine that is now a necessity and almost an indispensable article. All others now made are copies of this machine and the public are cautioned against them.
Bolens! Discover the mower that discovered mulching. The Bolens mulching mower not only cuts your grass, it also cuts and recuts the clippings into tiny mulch particles that are fed back to your lawn. No raking, bagging or cleanup, and no confusion about the quickest, cleanest way to mow. The one and only Boles mulching mower! Visit your Bolens dealer now. He's got the largest selling mulcher! [Bit personal.] The only one that's proven itself rugged and reliable. You've got a good yard ahead with Bolens.
[A lot of these lawnmower ads are aimed at glamorously dressed ladies of the mid 20th century.]
Let me do it. It's so easy, so relaxing, jaunting along this Fairbanks-Morse riding mower, that the ladies in your family want to take it right now! But assert your mowing rights, men, because now grass cutting is a job you'll want to keep all to yourself. You'll ride like a prince on the soft foam rubber seat of this big, powerful machine. You'll steer with effortless ease close to flowerbeds, trees, shrubbery and walks. You'll find what it's like to mow the lawn without pushing, pulling or straining, and with both your feet off the ground. Be the first to excite friendly neighbourhood envy with a Fairbanks-Morse riding mower. Fairbanks-Mores. A name worth remembering when you want the best.
Our Acme lawnmowers are guaranteed the best made. While we invite close comparison of all prices with those of any other house on strictly high-grade machines. We do not wish them compared with inferior machines which were made to sell, not for service. Every Acme machine is guaranteed to give perfect satisfaction. The Acme has many reliable improvements not found in other makes.
The Atco motor mower, a money saving investment. Grass-cutting time is round again. Start the season right by having a motor mower - THE motor mower, the Atco motor mower. One man with an Atco equals three men with push machines. Any ordinary workman can operate it perfectly. Even a child can do so, for the Atco motor mower is as easy to understand as a push mower. Besides costing surprisingly little to buy and operate, the Atco improves your sod, and enhances the beauty and value of your property. You take no risks with an Atco.
Fashion favours Fairbanks-Morse. Let the lady give in to style's allure. She'll find her Fairbanks-Morse mower lives up to the looks. Just gentle guidance and a light turning touch yield a crisply cut lawn. She'll be party fresh at the finish, for this rotary mower is self-propelled, fully powered. Follow fashion to Fairbanks-Morse. Choose the elegant ease of a riding rotary or the smart convenience of any reel or rotary model. In all of them, Fairbanks-Morse fulfils every promise of staunch construction and steady performance. You'll see for yourself why Fairbanks-Morse sets the style in power mowers.
Walk on the light side with Ginge lightest ever lawnmowers. Multiply your leisure hours the easy, effortless way with the world famous range of Ginge lightest ever lawnmowers and gardening equipment. Bright, colourful and easy to use, Ginge lightweight lawnmowers take over where traditional machines leave off, incorporating the most revolutionary features in their rugged yet featherweight construction. They cut grass [I should hope so], cut time, cut effort, and cut a bit of a dash.
World's Fair Chicago 1893: highest award. Paris 1889: highest award. No award was given to any English or continental-made lawnmowers. Lloyd's Perfected Pennsylvania American lawnmower. Perfection of easy working and efficiency. The only American lawnmower fitted with six cutting blades. It will mow grass closely and smoothly, and with half the labour of the best English machines.
Goodall power mower cuts grass [again, this is the point, right?]. Velvety smooth in seconds. Gives lawn golf green look. No more backbreaking grass-cutting drudgery! Even a child can operate! Grass cutting is fun now. You take it easy behind a Goodall rotary power mower. It cuts your lawn in one third of the time, cuts any height, grass or tough weeds, cuts on any terrace or hillside, gets into hard to reach places with greatest of ease.
Hey doc, how's this for light exercise? Why puff and strain? Mow your lawn the quick and easy way with the smooth-running, clean-cutting Savage Yard Chief. Precision built with gunsmith craftmanship. Rugged enough to last for years and years. Tougher Sta-Temp blades, convenient fingertip controls, shock absorbing handle, totally enclosed chain drive, big cushiony traction grip tires. Cutting your grass with this fine power mower is as easy as a stroll around the block! Savage lawnmowers are produced with the same care and skill that have made savage rifles and shotguns world-famous. Savage makes a complete line of lawnmowers for the home [so get one to trim your bathmat].
Greater mowing economy with the new Ideal. In this, the new model Ideal, is offered new mechanical features that mean added years of service, easier operation, less upkeep and greater satisfaction. In short, the reliable Ideal upon which leadership was built has been made a still better Ideal. It is a labour and money saver, certainly, but more important still, it is a practical, long lived, trouble-free machine. It does the work of five or more men with hand mowers, and rolls as it cuts. It builds a fine, well-kept, smooth lawn at nominal cost. Ask your nearest Ideal dealer, or write to us for a copy of our latest catalogue describing this new Ideal.
An hour of fun and a finer lawn! You can now own a quality power lawnmower at a new low price, built by America's foremost power mower specialists. The new Lawn Queen is the simplest, smoothest, sturdiest, most flexible power mower at anywhere near its price. A boy or girl can operate it. Has 20 inch reel. Mows half an acre in 30 minutes. The new Lawn Queen. Other models for large estates, parks, cemeteries, golf courses and institutions.
The only clutch-equipped rotary mower, the most versatile yet. Nevertire rotary motor. Heavy duty, lightweight. Cuts blackberries, weeds, tubers, bracken. Start the load-free mower, engage the blades with quick action lever, and from then on, it's plain sailing through blackberries, long grass, tussocks, weeds, tubers up to two inch thick, even bracken. And when cutting bracken on the roughest ground, you'll be struck by the ease with which this heavy duty lightweight is controlled. Its two pneumatic wheels smooth out bumps, and the small guide wheel makes straight cuts easy. Whichever way you look at it, the Nevertire rotary motor is the best answer to the growth you've always had such trouble controlling.
It's very inspiring.
The Allusionist is not sponsored by any of these lawnmowers.
Your randomly selected word from the dictionary today is…
urticate, verb: sting or prickle like a burn from a nettle.