Visit theallusionist.org/cheesy-cheesybobs to listen to this episode and get more facts about woodlice
This is the Tranquillusionist, in which I, Helen Zaltzman, say a series of words not to impart information as usual, but to relax your mind, replace a hectic interior monologue, maybe lull you to sleep, hopefully quell the mental uproar just for a little while. There are several previous editions of the Tranquillusionist, in your podfeed or you can find them at theallusionist.org/tranquillusionist - hitting the Tranquillusionist tab at the top of the site will also take you to them, they include lists of ex-constellations, gay animals, types of salad, and all the previous winners of the Westminster Dog Show.
In this edition, we have Great British and Irish cheeses – you would think there would be a definitive list of these, there’s not; I did my best to compile one that is at least fulsome if incomplete, there are many hundreds of cheeses. And before that, there’s a list of the many, many different names for woodlice, so: content warning for bugs – just because I think they might trip people’s phobias of certain kinds of creature, but they’re actually crustaceans, in fact the only crustaceans that live entirely on land, earning them the subcategory of terrestrial isopod. They probably existed before the continents separated, so they’re found across the world, and there are many different kinds - and many, many different names! Some of which are really cute. Rather boringly, I’ve only ever known them as woodlice, even though according to a recent linguistic study of British names for them, the south of England where I’m from has the most names knocking around. Let me know what you call them.
On with the Tranquillusionist.
Names for the creature armadillidiidae, aka the woodlouse, aka the following:
Woodbug
Woodywig
Bricklouse
Pillbug
Pellet bug
Potato bug
Armadillo bug
Curly bug
Rolinto ball
Roly poly
Roll up bug – because they roll themselves up, or conglobate, if you want a big word for Big Word Club. They also have blood that is grey or blue, they breathe through gills on their undersides, urinate in the form of gas – which sounds so convenient! – and drink through their bums. Why isn’t this reflected in any of these names?
One of their other names is Bed Pisser, though. That’s attributed to woodlice usually being found in damp environments - but that’s not because they pissed there, they need moisture because if their undercarriage-gills dry up they can’t breathe! But they can’t live in water because they can’t swim.
Curler
Cruller
Carpenter
Carpenter’s flea
Carbender
Slater
Slatero
Slateroo
Slaterick
Slatey
Slate-back
Flat-back
Hard-back
Hardy-back
Hooker-back
Grey-back
Silver-back
Shell-back
Shelly-back
Nit
Forky-tailer
Forky-goller
Ash bug
Twiddle bug
Sour bug
Cellar bug
Cement bug
Watermelon bug
Basketball bug
Doodlebug
Bead bug
Worry bead bug
Bench biter
Boat-builder
Shoe-maker
Bomber jacket
Leather jacket
Grandfather’s jacket
Grandfather
Granny grey
Granny grunter
Daddy granfer
Granfer-greek
Gramfy-gravy
Granny-picker
Gramfy-wig
Butcher boy
Butchy boy
Curly baker
Billy baker
Billy button
Belly button
Hundred-leg
Ballie
Roundie
Shut the door
Wood shrimp
Monkey-pede
Monkey-peanut
Monkey pea and pea-monkey – pea as in the plant, not the substance that woodlice produce as a gas not a liquid. Likewise in:
Pea-bug and
Pea-roller
Nutbug
Ashbug
Cheesebug
Cheesy bug
Cheesy bob
Cheeselog
Cheeserocker
Cheesy grandad – combing two of the name themes, cheese and grandparents
Dumpling bug
Donkey-bug
Little donkey
Little armadillo
Garden armadillo
Crunchy bat
Harp
About a fifth of the known names for woodlice are pig-related:
Fat pig
Chunky-pig
Chubbly pig
Chookie-pig
Chuckie pig
Chuggy pig
Choogy-pig
Chiggy pig
Chicky-pig
Chisel pig
Chisel hog
Tree pig
Floor pig
Sow bug
Gray sow
Grammer-sow - that’s me! No, it’s probably a corruption of grandma again. There’s also the similar
Gammer-zow
Gramfy-pig
Penny pig
Penny sow
Hog louse
Pig-louse
Pig-beast
Slunkerpig
Jacky-pig – apparently this is a reference to “jack” being a call to pigs
Kerry pig
Paddy pig
Parson’s pig
Pig-parson
Soda-pig
Fuzzy-pig
Wood pig
Tiggy-hog
Tiddy-hog
Piggy wig
Piggeen
Little Pig
Soul Pig
God’s pig
St Anthony’s pig – St Anthony was the patron saint of swineherds, and St Anthony’s pig was an expression for the smallest pig in the litter. But let’s not forget, these are not pigs, they are woodlice.
Hobbling Andrew
Cud-worm
Clock
Snot
Tank
Ticktock
Pishamare
Ogopogo
Mouse daughter-in-law
Rat’s daughter-in-law – does this mean the rat and the mouse are married and it’s the same daughter-in-law?
Coffin cutter
Horny-golach
Bibble-bug
Lock-chester
Palmer
Horace
Chisel-bob
Chisel-ball
Curly button
Cobber
Crawler
Jovial-lice
Little wet one
Flump
Those were some of the many nicknames for woodlice. Credit to academics Warren Maguire and Tam Blaxter who a few years ago ran a survey to collect woodlouse names – I can’t tell if they’re still working on it, but it is still open if you have one to submit.
Because several of the woodlice names were cheese-related, we now have a:
List of Great British and Irish cheeses
Abbey Blue Brie
Abbey Smoked Brie
Adlestrop
Admiral Collingwood
Adrahan
Aiket
Aldwych Goat
Allerdale
Amber Mist
Appleby's Cheshire
Appleby's Double Gloucester
Appledore
Applewood
Archie’s Choice
Ardagh Castle
Arkleby
Ardsallagh
Ashcombe
Ashdown Foresters
Ashmore Farmhouse
Aveton
Badentoy Blue
Bagborough Brie
Bakesey Meadow
Balcome Breeze
Ballintubber
Ballyblue
Ballybrie
Ballyhooly Blue
Ballyoak
Baltic
Barkham Blue
Barkham Chase
Baron Bigod
Basilano
Bath Blue
Bath Soft Cheese
Beacon Blue – not to be confused with the band Deacon Blue. But can be confused with the blue goat’s milk cheese called Blackstick Blue, because that’s the same cheese with different branding.
Beacon Fell Traditional Lancashire
Beauvale
Beenleigh Blue
Beer
Bellingham Blue
Belstone
Beltane
Berkswell
Berwick Edge
Birdoswald
Birdwood Blue Heaven
Bishop Kennedy
Bishop’s Tump
Bix
Black Bomber
Black Crowdie
Black Dub Blue
Black-eyed Susan
Blackmount
Blacksticks White
Blarliath
Bledington Blue
Blissful Buffalo
Blue Cheshire
Blue Clouds
Blue Hills
Blue Knowle
Blue Monday – a cheese co-created by Alex James, the worst member of the Blur band.
Blue Moon
Blue Murder
Blue Vinney
Blue Wensleydale
Blue Whinnow
Blyton
Bocaddon Farm
Bonchester
Bovey Straight
Brefu Bach
Brefu Da
Brendon Blue
Brighton Blue
Brightwell Ash
Brinkburn
Brunswick Blue
Buffalo Blue
Burwash Rose
Buttercup
Buxlow Wonmil
Buxton Blue
Caboc
Caerphilly
Cahill’s Porter
Cairnsmore
Caithness
Campscott
Campscott Goat
Capricorn Goat – that just means ‘goat goat’
Cark
Carlow
Carrigaline
Cashel Blue – last year I went to the Cashel Blue dairy for a tasting and may I recommend that jaunt to you if you happen to be in Southern Ireland and like cheese. They even make their own vegetarian rennet from a plant they grow in the flowerbed in the car park!
Caws Cenarth Caerphilly
Caws Cerwyn
Caws y Graig
Caws Nantybwla
Caws Preseli
Celeste
Celtic Capra
Celtic Promise
Cerney Pyramid
Charlton
Chatel
Cheddar
Chemmy – named after Olympic skier Chemmy Alcott
Cheshire
Cheshire Blue
Chevington
Cheviot
Chipple
Clava
Clochandighter
Colston Bassett Stilton
Coolea
Cooleeney
Coquetdale
Corinium
Corleggy
Cornish Blue
Cornish Crumbly
Cornish Kern
Cornish Smuggler
Cornish Yarg
Corra Lynn
Cote Hill Blue
Cotherstone
Cotswold
Cotswold Blue
Cotswold Stone
Cowslip
Coverdale
Crannog
Cratloe Hills
Cremet
Cricket St Thomas Brie
Criffel
Crofton
Croglin
Cromal
Cropwell Bishop Stiton
Crowdie
Crozier Blue
Cuddy's Cave
Cumberland Farmhouse
Curworthy
Dambuster
Dartmoor
Daru
Daylesford Cheddar
Dazel Ash – which won Supreme Champion at the British & Irish Cheese Awards 2026!
Deesider
Delamere Distinctive
Derby
Desmond
Devon Blue
Devon Maid
Devon Oke
Devon Sage
Dilliskus
Dimpsy
Ditcheat Hill Cheddar
Doddington
Doddington Baltic
Doolin
Dorset Blue Vinney
Dorset Red
Dorstone
Double Berkeley
Double Gloucester
Double Worcester
Dragon's Back
Drewi Sant
Driftwood
Dromana
Drumlin
Drumloch Wheel
Dubliner
Duckett's Caerphilly
Duddleswell
Duhallow
Dunbarra
Dunlop
Dunsyre Blue
Durrus
Dutchman
Eggleston Reserve
Eldren
Elgar Mature
Elmhirst
Elrick Log
Emerald
Eve
Ewe Eatme – it is pun
Exmoor Blue
Fairlight
Farleigh Wallop
Fine Fettle Yorkshire – used to be called Yorkshire Feta but EU rules now mean all feta has to be produced in Greece
Fingals
Finn
Fivemiletown Cheddar
Flower Marie
Ford Farm Cave Aged Cheddar
Fosse Way Fleece
Fowlers Derby Sage
Fowlers Forest Blue
Gabriel
Gallybagger – the name is from an Isle of Wight word for scarecrow.
Gevrik
Glebe Brethan
Godminster
Golden Cenarth
Golden Cross
Goldilocks
Goodweald
Gortnamona
Gorwydd Caerphilly
Graceburn
Granite City
Gubbeen
Guinevere
Gunhill
Gunstone Goat
Hafod Cheddar
Hampshire Rose
Harbourne Blue
Hardy’s hard cheese
Harefield
Harlech
Harrogate Blue
Harvest Moon
Hawes's Wensleydale
Hawkston
Heckfield
Heligan
Hereford Hop
Hibernia
Highmoor
Huntsman
lambors
The Idle Hour
Imokilly Regato
Innes Ash Log
Innes Button
Innes Leaf
Inverloch
lona Cromag
Isle of Mull
Isle of Wight
Isle of Wight Blue
Isle of Wight Borthwood
Isle of Wight Soft
Junas
Kaldi
Karst
Kebbuck
Keen's Cheddar
Kelsae – yes there’s a cheese, but the really famous product of that name is one of the world’s biggest onions, it can grow to two feet in diameter.
Kelsey Lane
Kelston Park
Keltic Gold – yes, Keltic with a K
Kentish Blue
Kerry Blue
Kidderton Ash
Kielder
Kilcummin
Killeen Cow
Killeen Goat
Killiechronan
Kingcott Blue
Kirkham's Lancashire
Knockalara
Knockanore
Knockatee
Knockdrinna
Lammas
Lanark Blue
Lanark White
Lancashire
Lancashire Mrs Kirkham’s
Lavistown
Leicester
Levin Down
Lightwood Chaser
Lincolnshire Poacher
Lincolnshire Red
Lindum
Little Derby
Little Hereford
Little Rollright
Little Ryding
Little She
Little Stinky
Little Urn – “named after England’s victory over Australia in the 2005 Ashes?” I know England’s been hard up for Ashes victories, but leave the cheeses out of it!
Little Wallop
Llanboidy
Llangloffan
Loch Arthur
Lord London
Loosehanger
Lord of the Hundreds
Lyburn Gold
Maida Vale
Maighean
Maisie's Kebbuck
Maurice
Mayfield
May Hill Green
Meldon
Menallack Farmhouse
Merry Wife
Milleens
Milleen’s Dote
Millstone
Mine-gabhar
Minger
Miss Muffet
Molecombe Blue
Monkland
Montgomery's Cheddar
Moonshine
Moreton
Morn Dew
Mornish
Mossfield
Mount Callan
Mr Holmes's Pomfrit
Mrs Bell's Blue
Mrs Finn
Mull of Kintyre
Nanny Bloo
New Forest Blue
Norfolk Dapple
Norfolk White Lady
Norsworthy
Northumberland
Oakdown
Oakwood
Ogleshield
Oisin Goat
Old Burford
Old Roan Wensleydale
Old Sarum
Old Winchester
Old Worcester White
Olde Gloster
Olde Sussex
Orkney
Oxford Blue
Oxford Isis – it’s a river there, it’s not the organisation.
Paddy Jack
Pant-Ys-Gawn
Parlick Fell
Partridge's Blue
Pendragon
Pennard Red
Pennard Ridge
Pennard Ridge Red
Pennard Smoked
Pennard Vale
Penyston
Perl Las
Perl Wen
Perroche
Pevensey Blue
Pitchfork
Polmesk
Pont Gar Blue
Pont Gar White
Posbury
Puddle
Purple Vale
Pyghtle – supposedly an old word meaning ‘a small plot of land or small field’, and apparently this evolved into the word ‘piddle’ to mean something small and trifling, which I had assumed came from the urination meaning of ‘piddle’, but no, that came after the small word, and is maybe unrelated anyway, deriving from the Old English ‘piddle’ which meant a small watercourse.
Quantock Blue
Quenby Hall Stilton
Quicke’s Extra Mature
Quicke's Hard Goat
Rachel
Ragstone
Rainbow’s Gold
Rebel Nun
Red Cheshire
Red Leicester
Red Windsor
Reiver
Renegade Monk
Ribblesdale Chego
Ribblesdale Honey Goat
Ribblesdale Original
Ringwell
Riseley
Rollright
Rosary
Ruby Gold
Sage Derby
St Bede
St Brendan
St Brigid
St Cera
St Eadburgha
St Egwin
St Ella
St Gall
St George
St Giles
St Helena
St James
St Jude
St Kenelm – St Kenelm was a 9th century king, who might have been aged 7 or aged 35 or somewhere in between at the time he was murdered thanks to a conspiracy between his sister and her lover. They hid his body but a magical cow kept watch over the grave until after many years, people wondered, “Why is that cow always sitting there, and how come its udders are always full of milk even though it never eats anything?” and upon further investigation they discovered Kenelm’s corpse and carried him to the abbey, whereupon his sister’s eyes fell out onto her prayer-book. One traditional way of celebrating St Kenelm’s day is throwing crabapples at a priest.
St Keverne
St Kevin
St Killian
St Oswald
St Tola
Sandrum
Saval
Shakespeare
Sharpham
Sharpham Elmhirst
Sharpham Rustic
Sharpham Savour
Sheep's Milk Wensleydale
Sheep Rustler
Shepherd's Crook
Shipcord
Shropshire Blue
Single Gloucester
Sinodun Hill
Sister Sarah
Six Spires
Skegness Blue
Sloe Tavey
Smoked Pendragon
Snodsbury Goat
Snowdonia
Snowdrop
Solstice
Somerset
Somerset Blue
Spenwood
Sperrin Blue
Stichelton
Stichill
Stilton – in 2010 we were filming an Answer Me This-related video in the village of Stilton at their annual cheese-rolling, and learned a harrowing fact: the cheese that is rolled is not made of cheese at all, it’s a piece of log approximately the size of a wheel of Stilton. And people have the gall to complain and make laws about vegan cheeses being called cheese!
Stinking Bishop
Stithians
Strathdon Blue
Suffolk Blue
Suffolk Gold
Sussex Blossom
Sussex Blue
Sussex Charmer
Sussex Marble
Sussex Scrumpy
Sussex Slipcote
Sussex Yeoman
Swaledale
Swaledale Goat
Sweet Charlotte
Sykes Fell
Tara Ban
Teifi
Templegall
Tesyn
Teviotdale
Ticklemore
Tintern
Tipperary Blue
Toppenrose Gold
Tor
Trelawny
Tremains
Trickle
Triskel
Trotter Hill
Tunworth
Twineham
Tymsboro
Village Green
Village Green Goat
Vintage Red Fox
Vipers Grass
Vulscombe
Wakebridge
Warwickshire Truckle
Washbourne
Waterloo
Wealden
Wealdway
Wedmore
Wee Comrie
Wensleydale
West Country Farmhouse Cheddar
Westcombe Cheddar
White Heart
White Lake
White Nancy
White Stilton – one of my least favourite cheeses
Whitehaven
Wigmore
Wild Garlic Yarg
Wiltshire Loaf
Windrush
Winslade
Winterdale Shaw
Witheridge
Withybrook
Wittenham
Woolsery English Goat
Wyfe of Bath
Yarg – ‘yarg’ is such a fun word to say, and yarg is a nettle-wrapped cheese, so I thought, “is it named after the noise you make when you chomp down on a stinging nettle?” so I looked it up, and all ‘yarg’ is is the word ‘gray’ spelled backwards, after Alan and Jenny Gray, the cheesemakers who started making yarg commercially in the 1980s, apparently using a recipe from 1615.
Yarlington
Y Fenni
Yoredale
Yorkshire Blue
and
Yr Afr.
Those were some of the many cheeses from Ireland and Great Britain.
Your randomly selected word from the dictionary today is…
fugacious, adjective, poetic/literary: tending to disappear; fleeting.
Try using ‘fugacious’ in an email today, like, “When attending a party, Helen Zaltzman is fugacious.”
This episode was produced by me, Helen Zaltzman, on the unceded ancestral and traditional territory of the xʷməθkʷəy̓əm (Musqueam), Sḵwx̱wú7mesh (Squamish), and səlilwətaɬ (Tsleil-Waututh) Nations.
The music is by Martin Austwick of palebirdmusic.com and the experimental podcast Neutrino Watch.
Our ad partner is Multitude. To sponsor this show, whereby I will talk affectionately and persuasively about your product or thing, get in touch with them at multitudeshows.com/ads.
Listen to or read every episode and get more information about the topics therein, see photos of the full dictionary entries for the randomly selected words, and become a member of the Allusioverse to help keep this independent podcast going, all at the show’s forever home theallusionist.org.
