Visit theallusionist.org/alexinomia to listen to this episode and get more information about the people and topics therein
This is the Allusionist, in which I, Helen Zaltzman, rearrange deck chairs on sinking language.
Last episode was on the topic of phobias, this one is all about a condition that doesn’t have a phobia term but has a lot in common with phobias: alexinomia, the aversion to saying people’s names.
Since last episode, some of you told me some really interesting things about more ways the term ‘phobia’ is used, I’ll share those at the end of this episode.
Big thanks to all of you who are paying members of the Allusioverse at theallusionist.org/donate – in return for keeping this independent podcast alive, some tiers get an ad free version, all tiers get bonus written content and as usual we gather together to watch the new season of Great British Bake Off, last year the Allusioverse got weekly morsels of whatever you call not-fan fiction about Paul Hollywood, flanfic? An existential epic in weekly instalments? Well this year you’re getting my drawings of Paul Hollywood in the style of medieval marginalia. The first is the classic of the form, a half man half snail, holding a baguette. See that by signing up at theallusionist.org/donate. And you know that before the Bake Off season is out, there’ll be the penis tree. Of course, gotta do it.
On with the show.
THOMAS DITYE: Alexinomia is a psychological condition that is characterised by not being able to say other people's names or to call other people by their name. And when I say calling them by their name, I mean very normal, ordinary, everyday situations. So for example, my name, my first name is Thomas. And people with alexinomia, they experience difficulties or the inability to say, for example, “Good morning Thomas,” or “Hi Thomas, how are you doing?”
Hello, my name is Thomas Ditye. I'm a psychologist and an assistant professor at Sigmund Freud University in Vienna. I do research in neuroscience and in related fields and clinical psychology, and I'm also a psychotherapist and I'm working with clients with different types of psychological disorders such as addiction, anxiety, depression, and so on.
HZ: And what got you interested in alexinomia?
THOMAS DITYE: It goes back to a few years ago, to a colleague of mine, a psychotherapist. Her name is Lisa, Lisa Welleschik, and she noticed in some of her psychotherapy clients that they had problems saying names. Nothing to do with a neurological problem or an articulation problem or memory impairment; it's not about that. People who are affected by alexinomia, they do know the other person's name, and they would be normally very much able to say it because it's easy.
HZ: Despite that, when they’re in a situation that might require them to say the name directly, they couldn’t.
THOMAS DITYE: They don't like it; it feels awkward, it feels uncomfortable, it feels highly emotional; and it is attached to many psychological reactions, such as fear, shame, and so on.
HZ: Lisa and Thomas were curious to learn more about why this was happening and who might be affected by it. So they built the website alexinomia.org where they could describe the condition and present their research.
THOMAS DITYE: And since we are online, since 2023, we see from the frequency that we are contacted by the people who are affected by it, that it is a common problem that people do experience on a regular basis. And we also found out that it is scientifically completely undocumented, and, at least by that time, there was no scientific coverage whatsoever, in psychology, it just had not been described yet. There are some papers or articles out there of people discussing this phenomenon, how they are experiencing it, but not as a scientific topic that has been studied in a standardised way. We thought it was interesting and started researching it and, and now we are running study after study to learn more about it.
HZ: How come it has not been documented much or at all before?
THOMAS DITYE: Yeah. Good question. We are also wondering how that's possible. There are certain scientific phenomena that have been documented and that relate to what we call alexinomia. For example, in anthropological research, there is a phenomenon that is called name avoidance. And it refers to social situations that are culturally defined that require certain people to not say someone else's name.
HZ: For example, in some Australian Aboriginal cultures, you don't use someone's name after their death. Among the Shona people of Zimbabwe, after a woman gets married, her in-laws don't use her personal name. In parts of Cameroon, not using personal names is a gesture of respect. Historically in China it was taboo to say or write the names of emperors, or ancestors. But, these practices are not alexinomia.
THOMAS DITYE: Or saying the name of God, that is also a classic example. And also in other social situations, for example, when you would be talking to a superior at work, for example, your boss, or to your in-laws, your parents' in-law, if they are offering you to "Please call me by my first name" —people also from English-speaking countries, German-speaking countries, which are the countries that we have studied: they also on a regular basis experience a certain extent of discomfort at this invitation. Although they find it nice, they appreciate it, they think it's a sign of respect; they would like to return this type of respect, but it still feels a bit weird. So these are phenomena that have been described in the literature, psychological literature, anthropological literature, sociology and so on, that relate and capture something that goes into the direction of what we are describing. But still, we think that alexinomia is not explained by any of those other phenomena.
HZ: Did the term ‘alexinomia’ exist, or did you have to coin it?
THOMAS DITYE: It did not exist; we had to come up with a name for the name problem, and it means “no words for names”. It's a Greek origin type of word. There is another psychological term that is called alexithymia. It describes a psychological condition that has got to do with naming and labelling emotions and emotional states. So people suffering from alexithymia, they cannot describe and express verbally how they're feeling. So we kind of used also this type of linguistic tradition and worked with that.
HZ: What difference does it make to have a term for this?
THOMAS DITYE: For those who are affected, it means that they are not alone. It means that they have a name for what they're experiencing, for which, until recently, they did not have a name or an explanation. So what usually happens is that people are Googling the problem: "I don't know what's wrong with me, I cannot say my boyfriend's name." Things like that. Or "my husband wants me to call him by his name, but I cannot do it. I hate it. I cannot bring myself to do it. So what is going on?” And this is what they are looking for in online, and they find our website and then they email us, and then they very often share their own experiences, of course, with us, or add something that maybe some aspect or some facet of the problem. So that would be one part of it, I suppose.
And the other part would be in the professional world, of course, it also makes a difference to have a name, a label, have something that allows us to talk about it.
HZ: Do you have any idea of how common it is to have it?
THOMAS DITYE: We don't have the numbers to answer this question: how frequent is it? How common is it? What is the prevalence? We simply don't have the data. We might be able to say more about this soon, because now we do have a measurement. We developed a self-report questionnaire that allows us to identify whether alexinomia is present in an individual or not. And we can now start looking for prevalence data. So that is the scientific answer. And the other more anecdotal answer is what I can tell you from my own experiences. For example, every year we have new students arriving at our university. And when I teach them in my courses, I oftentimes also of course mention what I study and what are my current projects. And it happens almost always that, let's say within a group of fifty new students, there would be one or two who come up to me afterwards and they tell me, "I think I might have this a little bit," or "I can relate," or, "I had it when I was younger, but now I got over it."
And then of course, all the messages and letters that we receive on a regular basis from people all over the world, it gives me an idea that it's more common than we would think.
HZ: When I first learned about your work, I thought, I don't have it about other people's names. But when I was growing up, I absolutely hated saying my own name. And I have no idea why that is, and I don't know whether I grew out of that or if I just had to train myself out of it because of my job.
THOMAS DITYE: Yeah. This is something that we do come across on a regular basis: some people with alexinomia are also telling us what you just said, that they kind of maybe dislike their own name or are not comfortable with articulating it. And in the context of alexinomia, this can be part of the reason why they then don't want to say other people's names, because it might be something that is also uncomfortable for them. This can be part of the reasoning behind the alexinomia-related behaviour. But then for others, it looks like these two phenomenon don't have so much to do with each other. They can exist in isolation and address different things.
What, of course, both aspects might have in common when it comes to names in general, the topic of identity is something that is usually quite close. So basically addressing the question of: what does it have to do with your relationship and your attitude towards your own name? Names, first names, are significant carriers of personal identity. And if you don't like your name, or if you don't like how your name sounds, or if you feel like your name doesn't really match what you are or what others might think of you, this can all be aspects of: who am I? What is my relationship to myself? What am I thinking about myself? And also a sense of uniqueness can be part of that as well, saying someone else's name, if it's, for example, a rather common name, for some people, this would not address the uniqueness of that person by just calling them by their normal name.
HZ: Obviously I'm just doing this interview for the free therapy. So it seems like alexinomia often accompanies anxiety, but not always. Is that right?
THOMAS DITYE: Yeah, I do think that in probably most cases, a certain sense of anxiety will usually be there. The type of anxiety that it is most closely related to is social anxiety. And social anxiety is the form of anxiety that people experience in the context of social interactions, and saying someone's name is a very significant social interaction. It means something. It's getting close to the other person. People describe it almost like touching the other person, like physical touch, or looking them into the eyes, something like that; it's very direct, and it establishes contact very directly. So it's not surprising that somebody who doesn't feel comfortable with very direct interpersonal contact is also maybe not so comfortable with calling others by their name.
And in general, they show all the usual symptoms that are associated with a typical anxiety reaction, such as elevated heart rate, autonomic nervous system reactions and, yeah, a tendency to try to avoid situations that require them to display this type of behaviour.
HZ: Some of the literature referred to people who were raised in sort of unstable family situations and had an insecure attachment style.
THOMAS DITYE: Exactly. So attachment seems to be another variable where the root of the problem might lie to some degree. And yes, this is then about relationship styles, and psychology calls these styles “attachment styles”. And alexinomia seems to be related to what we call insecure or ambivalent attachment, as compared to secure attachment. And attachment styles go back to the earliest times of our lives, first couple of years, is a sensitive time where, where relationship styles or attachment styles get developed, and the patterns about relationships and about trust and who we can trust — and again, who we are in relation to others. It becomes more and more clear that what you could consider a rather superficial symptom, like saying names, has very serious and deep origins.
HZ: There's also some correlation with autism spectrum and gender dysphoria - is that right?
THOMAS DITYE: Yeah, that's right. The gender dysphoria, I would place this more closely to maybe the identity aspect and the own name attitude aspect, because names very usually have a very strong inclination of what gender the person, the name carrier, belongs to. And the other aspect, which turns out to be quite important and significant, would be that a very high proportion of people with alexinomia who contact us about the problem are also telling us that they are on the autism spectrum. They very often dislike very direct contact. Also looking people in the eyes, for example, is a classic example of this type of symptoms. So it's also not surprising there that alexinomia might be more prevalent in this group.
HZ: Alexinomia is most likely to occur in situations where you're expected to speak face to face – but not exclusively.
THOMAS DITYE: It can affect all forms of communication, verbal, but also writing, like in text messages, for example, the younger generations, they like to text, right? And there it's also quite common to not use names in general. However, the situations that are more severe or where the problem becomes more stressful for somebody who has it, is direct verbal communication.
HZ: So in writing, less likely?
THOMAS DITYE: Less likely, less severe, but can still occur. And then also, what is it like in communication with others about a certain person; that's even less likely or less severe. So it might be possible for me to talk about somebody I'm experiencing alexinomia with, with someone else, and in that other conversation refer to this person by their name. But it can also, for some people, be a problem and they would not even want to do that.
HZ: I know that you are somewhat limited by who responds to survey and there are, for instance, more female respondents to the survey. Do you have any idea of how this occurs in different cultures? Are you able to tell whether it's common across lots of different cultures, or if it's more concentrated in places with certain social structures?
THOMAS DITYE: It's all about the social structures.
It is very clear, like with any social and at the same time linguistic language based topic, that it will be highly culturally dependent, right? It does not occur in similar ways across all cultures. The questions here are, what is the role of names in a certain culture or what are the social norms around namesake in a certain culture and language and both? So, so far we have addressed this topic in English language and English-speaking countries, and German language and German-speaking countries. And we hear about people from other parts of the world who are telling us that they're experiencing it in Italian, in Spanish, in many other languages too.
However, also we by now know, and we have strong indications that in other cultures it might be completely different. For example, I will be travelling to Japan in late October to discuss this exact question with researchers from Japan, because I had people from Japan telling me: well, in Japan, this behaviour is completely common, like not calling others by their name; this is what we do. So what is it? Do we all have alexinomia? This is what they asked me. No, you don't all have alexinomia which is, in the way we phrase it, it's a clinical condition, right? And, of course not everybody in a certain culture has that.
And then, it is of course still interesting whether, for example, in Japan, it is still possible to develop alexinomia, because of course there also are relationships and social situations where it is required or expected or a social convention to say the name. So does it then occur there too? And if yes, does it feel the same different than these other forms of alexinomia? These kind of intercultural questions that will be interesting to study. And of course it's also an important limitation about our research so far that we have only studied it in certain parts of the world, certain cultures, certain languages, and there might be other cultures, other parts of the world, other languages where it's completely different.
HZ: We’re talking about alexinomia with psychologist Thomas Ditye. People who experience alexinomia tend to develop various tactics to avoid saying the names that are affected by the condition.
THOMAS DITYE: One would be to avoid social situations that require name-saying, meeting new people or introducing themselves, things like that. Or of course, also, a personal address or a form of greeting that does not include the name. You can still say “hello” or “good morning” or “Hey, how are you doing?” to get somebody's attention or to greet them, to address them. It's only in certain contexts, such as groups, for example, or at school or at university, when there are many people in a room, and it becomes more visible that you might not be able to say a name. But in other everyday social interactions, people are telling us that it's actually pretty easy for them to simply get by by not using names. It's something that is entirely possible.
HZ: Do people who have it tend to only have it with specific people, or do some people just have it very widespread?
THOMAS DITYE: Yeah, both types do exist. The more common one would be that it's very specific cases, very specific individuals, very specific relationships and persons in the life of the affected person where alexinomia occurs. And usually when we ask our participants, "Can you describe who does it occur with?" or "How many people do you have in your life that you cannot address by name?" it's only a rather small number where the problem comes out very severely. But then they would still also often tell us that it is also a bit uncomfortable to say other people's names, but they somehow can get themselves to do it; or they avoid it also in other relationships, but where it doesn't matter because it's simply not expected or not necessary to use these other people's names so often. And then of course there are also very serious cases that do tell us that they have it with all people and with everyone.
HZ: I got a bit confused reading the literature about who it tends to occur with, because it seemed some people have it for people they're very intimate with like family members and partners and some are fine with those, but it's with people in the workplace, say, or strangers.
THOMAS DITYE: So as far as our data shows, we can say that it can occur in pretty much any relationship. The form of alexinomia that causes the highest distress in affected individuals would be the ones where the symptom is experienced in situations with close relationships. Especially romantic relationships, where one person, sometimes also both persons of these relationships are unable to call each other by their names. And yeah, we hear about cases like 25 years of marriage without ever having said husband's or wife's name. It's something that comes up on a regular basis. Also, many individuals are telling us this was the first time when they realised that they have a name saying problem: "When I met my husband, or first time I was in a romantic relationship, I could not say the other person's name." So in these scenarios, we hear a lot that people simply avoid the other person's name.
HZ: Onset is often in adolescence, right? And also often with the first romantic relationship, which I suppose could happen in adolescence – but I suppose adolescent is a particularly excruciating time to feel like a person.
THOMAS DITYE: Yes. Yeah. I think this is exactly what you're saying. Yes, we do hear that early adulthood, teenage years would be common times when the problem visible. But of course this has got to do with what we were just saying about romantic relationships.
HZ: Are there any patterns with whether it's more likely to be with first names only, or with nicknames, or with more formal kind of last name address?
THOMAS DITYE: Yeah. The core of the alexinomia-related experience happens with first names. Because it's the closest type of personal address, at least most of the time. With nicknames, it can go in either direction: A more generic nickname can help them to overcome the awkwardness of the personal naming situation; but with very unique, very emotionally loaded nicknames, the problem would be the same or even more severe. Last names are special in a way that it's usually not as severe, because calling somebody by their last name is already a more distant type of relationship, right? And the severity in alexinomia, it comes from the very personal, very emotional, very attachment-related type of contact. And by using somebody's last name, you are already a little bit outside of that sphere.
HZ: Do people ever report having it with their pets?
THOMAS DITYE: I don't think we've ever had that. It does come up as examples of names that are easy for them to say. So in that case, what my explanation for this is, I would look at this as examples of relationships that are close, but entirely safe and non-dangerous in any way.
HZ: What are the impacts of alexinomia on the person who has it and on the people around them?
THOMAS DITYE: For those who are affected, these impacts can be quite severe. That means it harms relationships, and it's a problem that people are struggling with, and they would want it to be different. The emotional reaction that they're experiencing in situations where name-saying would be expected or required or wanted is one thing. But the other thing is real situations that impact social life on a more general level. Like for example, a high school teacher who is not able to call their students by their name. That's a real problem. Or other situations that we were told about, like a woman that wanted to warn her husband because some vehicle was approaching him, and she tried to warn him and she shouted to towards him, like, "Hey!" And "watch out!" and things like that. But of course, in these situations, the name would be the main, most powerful word that you can use. And she couldn't, right? So these are situations that are pretty severe.
HZ: Whereas when alexinomia occurs in a romantic situation, probably nobody is going to get hit by a car, but the effect can still be damaging.
THOMAS DITYE: Imagine a romantic situation. You would like to say something really nice to the person who you love. There are these situations where using the name very deliberately can add a certain amount of emotion, of romance, or significance, to something that you're saying. And of course, in these relationships, this can also then come up, like the other person might realise at some point, and they will be like, "Why don't you ever say my name?” And in these situations, people with alexinomia experience a sense of, "Oh my God, I got caught, I have not successfully managed to hide the problem, now this person has noticed.” And what this means to them is a sense of emotional exposure, embarrassment, shame; and also very tragically, it can lead to a major misunderstanding in a relationship: the behaviour of not saying someone's name, could be seen by the other person as a lack of affection, or a lack of personal contact. And this is exactly the opposite of what people with alexinomia are experiencing. They cannot say the name because it's too much emotion. Or they fear that it would be overwhelming to me and the other person to hear the name, things like that. So it's the exact opposite of a lack of affection – but of course they don't say that, right? Because they don't feel safe to express this, which is part of the symptom. This is where it's coming from. So this can create a very significant misunderstanding between two people.
HZ: Is there a cure?
THOMAS DITYE: Definitely this can be worked on, for sure; the whole world of psychotherapeutic treatment would also be recommended to treat alexinomia. It can be dealt with like any other anxiety or any other attachment-related issue. Most people do have certain anxieties or certain attachment related issues. It's not something that is very uncommon.
You have to go to the root of the problem to eventually get over it. And this does require some work, psychological work, self work. To those who are affected: don't expect it to go away very quickly. Because it's something that goes rather deep, even though it appears to be maybe a relatively superficial symptom. It's not. It'll take a while. But that doesn't mean that it cannot be treated or that it's not worth trying to look behind what is going on in this, what are the patterns that make it impossible for me to address someone by their name. Of course it's worth it.
HZ: That was Thomas Ditye, who has been working with Lisa Welleschik on research into alexinomia. Find their work at alexinomia.org.
Here are a few things some of you mentioned in response to the phobia discussion last episode. This one is a use of phobia that we didn’t cover:
I myself live with photophobia (a non-fear medical symptom in which normal light levels can cause one an unusual level of eye discomfort) as opposed to heliophobia (the morbid fear of light) or the botanical use of "photophobia" (plants that specifically thrive in low-light conditions.) I have to explain every so often that I'm not afraid of the light, it just frickin' hurts. On the bright (heh) side, it's an excuse to cultivate a collection of cool sunglasses.
In the episode, I noted that the word ‘homophobia’ began being used more about gay people in the late 1960s, when anti-gay sentiment had been increasing; one of you responded:
My recollection of when 'homophobic' started being commonly used in the 70s, was that it was used by gay rights campaigners as about the only quick and simple term (similar to 'racism' for racial prejudice) which also pointed out that the prejudice and hatred came from fear, rather than any rational or reasonable basis.
And one of you said:
The equivalent for the asexual/aromantic community is "aphobia" but I've seen some arguments take place where this term is ableist because diagnosed phobias exist. They'd prefer using the suffix -misia for hatred, so amisia or homomisia, etc. But there's also a very good argument that aphobia is easier for people to understand and is synergistic with the use of homophobia. Anyways, it's hard to make any headway here because nearly any argument I've seen about this has immediately dissolved into calling someone ableist rather than having a good faith conversation.
If you’ve ever got something linguistic you would like to tell me about, or have any experience of things like alexinomia or non-alexinomia cultural name avoidance practices, I’d love to hear about it. theallusionist.org/contact is open.
Your randomly selected word from the dictionary today is…
tales, noun, law: a writ for summoning substitute jurors when the original jury has become deficient in number.
This episode was produced by me, Helen Zaltzman. Editorial help and music were provided by Martin Austwick of palebirdmusic.com and the experimental podcast Neutrino Watch, and the podcast we make together, Answer Me This.
Our ad partner is Multitude. To sponsor this show, whereby I will talk affectionately and persuasively about your product or thing, get in touch with them at multitudeshows.com/ads.
You can listen to or read every episode and get more information about the topics and people therein, see photos of the full dictionary entries for the randomly selected words, check out listings for events coming up, and become a member of the Allusioverse to help keep this independent podcast going and get the ad free version, all at the show’s forever home theallusionist.org.
